What does it mean to be seduced?
Is there an inherent boundary violation in it? I think not. I think to be seduced is to be compelled, impelled, by a force which makes us choose to push through a limitation, into an experience that we desire.
And what is desire?
I’ve been long motivated by a restlessness. This fiery, masculine, must-always-be-doing, frenetic energy. If there has been a gnostic transformation for me, it has emerged through my sitting with stillness. Receptiveness. Being-ness. Being stillness.
This restlessness led me to explore far and wide though. The depths of mind, of sex, of energy, of body, of spirit. To attempt to find any space where that fire didn’t feel confined or impinged.
And yet I’ve fallen in love with my lustfullness for life! That thirst, that must-have-now is what’s driven me to explore so far and so wide, right?
The birth of what’s emerging began when Dan and I connected. His masculinity, little were we aware at the time, was present enough for me to relax into my authentic feminine energy. Well, that plus the birth of Isabella. The psychic jolt that I got with breastfeeding and intentional holistic parenting, gentle discipline and affirming language, connected me with this archetypal Feminine experience. While I explored the intuitive wisdom that my body held, plus that of her body, I allowed that wisdom to guide our choices. Trusting this intuitive knowing was probably the first step in the seduction.
Then I went and put a Goddess symbol on my body. If you’ve met me in the flesh, it’s probably one of the more remarkable features of the body I show to the world. This was my first experience with Real Magic. Once I demonstrated for myself visually, carved into my flesh and marked it for posterity, that I was connected to Goddess, to Mystery, She began to quicken and manifest in ways I’d never imagined. More of the Archetypal Feminine began to emerge. More intuition. More sensing. More juicy body wisdom. More trusting the knowing.
Then GLEE. A friend recently stated that I was “so primed” for GLEE, and for learning about energy when it showed up. I’d been praying to the Universe, a silent mantra from my soul, “I know it’s time to learn energy. I must learn by doing. Show me the playground. Where is the field to practice?” Then in short order, POTQ. Energy and sacred sex and healing and being of service and Being Big and love and connection and the woo really got soupy.
The summer of 2012, Isabella turned 4. Dan and I had lived in Northville for almost a year, and we made a radical choice in our relationship. He offered that I would spend his birthday weekend at a kink-spirit-camping-sex event without him. Birthdays are a big deal – this was a huge sacrifice for him – and the lineup for this event was so unparallelled. It was like that Christmas story, the Gift of the Magi? Dan sacrificed his deep desire for me to be near on his birthday. I reconciled with myself that because of the date conflict, it would just be something I’d miss. For him to offer, and me to be able to go without any energetic weirdness between us, was a hugely transformational moment for us. In the weeks before the event, I experienced an awakening of a Goddess with a Name. I’d been existing in this soup where I could touch archetypal energies of the Universe, but Deities and manifesting and some of the mechanics of Magick still remained a little “out there” to me. I wouldn’t have denied that they existed; but I was heavily on this path of trusting my own resonance and knowing, and those experiences were as yet beyond me.
And so I was masturbating this one time. I was sending my sexual energy to my Goddess statue, the one that matches my tattoo. I was just donating, loving myself and sending that energy towards the effigy of Goddess I believe to be reawakening. My thoughts wandered to the book that I’d been reading, about the exciting resonance I was feeling about Lilith. As the ecstasy began to take me away, I experienced this deep knowing. This knowing that Lilith and I had always been one; that she had been with me forever and I with her, that I was her daughter, that it’s been her essence that’s led me to be so intrepid, so independent, so not-subservient. The recurring snake dreams. Crying; weeping…. she understands. The queer-not-quite-masculine-nor-feminine nature that I have. The swoon of being known, recognized, kin to an entity with a name was almost too much to take. I tried to relax in it, stay with it, allow and flow….. and it went dark in my vision. As I hung in what seemed like free-fall, a vision came to me through one of many tunnels in my consciousness. I saw myself bleeding for Lilith. It was that stark, that simple, and that fleeting. An image of my body, with rivulets of blood cascading down. For Her.
The coming month or two would give me an opportunity to fill in what meaning I wanted for that ritual. I decided it was not undertaking any new responsibility or formalizing anything New at all. It was an honoring, a recognition, a dedication towards connection that had always been. A formal speaking aloud of my belonging to Her, for whatever that meant. The ground where I was whipped got not only the blood of my flesh, but my menstrual blood as well.
And perhaps it was then that the stone was tied to my ankle, for what would be the greatest love affair of my life.
And it’s peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under
For being in service to the Universe is a great seduction.
I swoon, I fall, I regain my bearings, and She turns me again. Sometimes I am allowed a raft, a timber, a project to cling to, and other times, She tests my resolve by tossing me upon the waves. But how sweet to be violently pummeled by a powerful Ocean of Mystery! It is so moving to feel the sweet moments of tension as this pressure and that twist my senses, disorienting and confusing me. How small my perceptions for how large my senses! The Mystery always has a greater purpose, a greater plan, some other something that is becoming.
And there are times that the Ocean herself seems to rest, and we Breathe. Together. That I become so entranced and entangled by her rhythms within rhythms that my wild dance lands finally in undulating subtle waves contained under a placid facade. That my body and Hers are one again, and I am floating. Awake and aware, able to swim and able to drown, movement is effortless and heavy, the oscillation of sound and silence, light and dark, movement and stillness, each undulating as subtle rhythms in this amazing body-container with eyes.
How could any earthling hope to compare or compete with that? When I try and articulate how the Mystery is my primary partner, how my work and my Path simply must take a priority place in my life, it seems like there is this context missing. The understanding that my life kind of isn’t my own any more. That Lilith and I and the Mystery and AllThatIs are engaged in this wild sexual dance of creation. That when I try and live according to the ordinary ways, I get all kinds of reminders that This Is Nothing Ordinary. I have wanted to write about this seduction since it began, but I’m not sure when that was. It’s gotten bigger. Heavier. Infinitely sexier and more awake.
I truly cannot express the utter amazement and awe at living in this new Mystical awareness, what that’s like. I want everyone to know that the Greatness and Expansiveness and Numerous-Luminous (Numinous!!) Love forms are accessible to each of us, at any moment. I want to teach Tantra to the world! To learn to drop into the sweet ocean of feeling. Psychic feeling, physical feeling, emotional feeling. We are each sorcerers, capable of wielding the forces of Creation. In every moment.
So I’m moving forward (or sideways, or spiraly-upsidedowny) with my Work. My Words. My Path pulls me ever forward. I’m learning to find more stillness upon the waves.
And oh, how wet I am…