If a blade of grass could choose any time on the face of Earth to be alive, they said, it would be during your lifetime, here and now. This is THE most exciting period of history to witness.
You know that feeling you’d get on Christmas morning as a child? Your birthday? The first day of summer vacation? That sense in the belly, that today would be “special” or “different”? It was like a quiet SQUEE. A hushed squeal in my soul. That extra things would happen that set the day apart from any other mundane one. I woke up with that sense for a long time. I’d wake up just SURE that something “extra” or “special” was going to happen that day. Whether anything remarkable happened those days or not, I don’t know, but it never seemed to explain or sate the sensation. The feeling would persist for days on end. I remember asking my mother about it. She thought I was being daft, I think. This sense stayed with me long into adolescence. This sense that something special WAS ON ITS WAY. Even though it never showed up, the anticipatory silent squeal yearned on.
I had an opportunity to try out some NLP techniques on an impromptu Skype call last week. A new friend walked me through a few exercises. Using the simplest one, I felt eager to see what else the technique could do. Moving from “waking up” a dead spot on my big toe, I figured the next natural step would be addressing my inner child.
You know, as you do.
So I was lying in bed one morning last week, and decided to try some NLP. I began addressing Young Jennie. It started with very simple affirmations like, “It’s okay to be afraid. I love you. It’s okay to not have all the answers. I forgive you for being small. It’s okay to make mistakes.” Before too long, the waterworks are flowing and I’m feeling incredibly grateful and emotional. I went on for a long time; it felt like 30-45 minutes. As I moved into a more meditative state, I wanted to look at her. I wanted to find the image of her appearance. Which me am I addressing? Before The Fall? How old am I? 5? 7? I remember being glorious. Where am I?
I thought about an article I’ve read about how a “healed” adult, if fully actualized, would closely resemble themselves just before entering school, about age 5. Conversely, if you want to know what kind of grown-up your son or daughter will be socially, look at their social development at about that age. This has been one of those ideals that’s stuck with me.
At 6? I really was glorious. I was vibrant, funny, keen, energetic, optimistic, generous. I was affable, high-spirited, charismatic. My mother would later start calling me a “drama queen”. But at 6, all I knew was that I was full of a spirit which made me zealous to be alive. I wanted to sing, dance, act, be a waitress. I had verve and passion for aliveness, and it made me an intense young girl.
I was enthusiastic. The latin prefix theo- refers to God. Entheo- refers to being possessed of God. To be full of Spirit. So enthusiasm really means to be full of Spirit. I wanted to look that shining girl in the face. I concentrated. I stopped trying so hard. I envisioned her and I finally found her. God, was she hard to find. But we sat. Face to face. Her shining spirit smiling at me. Me smiling back. Sharing a Namaste. She’s still there. She’s still alive. She’s here to teach me.
As I’ve awakened, reconnected, and been developing my relationship with Spirit, I’ve rediscovered the enthusiasm. My grown up feels teeter on can’t-stay-in-my-skin-levels of squee. The more I get in touch with my Spiritual Energy, the more enthusiasm naturally infuses my life. And when I am headed to see my peers & chosen family? I can hardly contain myself. I feel like I have so much buoyant energy that I could never remotely run out, and I might poof into nothingness in an instant.
Young Jennie had something to teach me, already. There’s a reason my daughter (almost 6) and I have been digging that Frozen song. It’s time for me to “Let It Go.” I’ve restrained my feelings. I’ve restrained myself. Because I internalized all these messages about how I needed to be less of those things which defined me, which made me special.
I’m learning how to accept myself unconditionally, but I’m not perfect at it yet. I’ve struggled for the last 2 years to find my “place” in the energy group. I was able to get to a place where I know that I have worth, and it’s perhaps not important to itemize a list of my contributions. I realized that the validation I was seeking outside myself, to tell me that I matter, could be found within. I also asked my friends if they could help me with some information like, “we can always count on you for jokes”, or “class wouldn’t be the same without you”, or “your insights have helped me realize XYZ”.
I don’t think it’s childish and petty to need to be recognized. Recognition is incredibly powerful. I’m a work in progress – we all are – but until we reach total emotional self-sufficiency (which is to say never), we’re going to have to ask for things from our loved ones. Emotional things. Like, “am I meaningful in your life?” or “please reassure me that I’m important to you/this.” The therapists tell me this is a healthy way to manage emotional well-being. In a perfect world, our own self-affirmations of being worthy and having value would suffice. Until we get to that perfect world, though, I’m going to continue to ask when I can.