Well, Goddess(es), it has been two years since I’ve officially dedicated myself to working towards the betterment of the world in the ways the Universe sees fit. I’ve largely prayed only to be a finer, more well-tuned instrument of love. Of course there have been mistakes, even egregious errors and slights. I’ve tried to be really honest and accountable when that’s happened.
Somehow, I’ve created circumstances in both my natal family and my chosen family which are triggering everything from panic attacks to catatonia.
So Mom with the recent drinking problem was passed out at the local Chili’s last night. My brother called me and declared the situation. He was irate, and demanding my “backup” with whatever response he was going to have to the circumstance. I, given the teetering panic attack day I’d already had, told Twan that I could not participate in the drama. The exact words were, “Twan, my recovery depends on not getting involved in the drama of others’, and I cannot join you in this today.” He hung up. Today, I went to attempt to talk to Mom about the events of yesterday. My brother’s first words were confrontational and vicious. He informed me that my son, my husband, both my children, and essentially everyone that matters thinks I’m not showing up enough.
I’ve been living my life out loud for years now. Every piece of my journey, I’m accountable to. I’m exhaustively expressive; oversharing my process and my insights with anyone that would listen. How is it that my legitimacy as a standup person is in question after all this time?
It was made clear to me early on in my recovery that transparency is important. When we start lying to others around us, it’s generally a result of lying to ourselves. It became excruciatingly important that I understand my own motivations, and be able to articulate them and defend or change them as necessary. Dan and I constructed our relationship with a ridiculously high standard of transparency and processing. How is it that those who supposedly know me the best feel comfortable attacking me when I’m struggling the most?
The last year has been a crucible, and the onset of 2014 made me take to heart this message: Take Care Of Yourself Or Else. The therapist is oft to remind me that this whole family I struggle and stress myself out for? Depends on me. And if I’m not caring for myself and making sure I’m a Whole Person First, then I fail them before I’ve started.
So OK. I’ve been slow to learn this lesson. Could you throw me some supportive bones here? It feels like the world is against me.