I’m still here.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for a year now. It’s been a year since my psychiatric event, or very near.


Yesterday, I had a rare “free” day. I’d worked until 7:30am, had my noon plans canceled by about 9:30, received Isabella at 11:15, and was partner-free for the foreseeable future. My head was addled by exhaustion, and I had little “adult brain” left. But I was so warmed by my daughter’s presence right away. Earlier when the midday plans were canceled, I’d begun to think about how to use our day. It took us nearly 3 hours to make it out of the house fed, dressed, and with a plan. From there, we changed our plan probably 4 times!


But something happened, incrementally, yesterday. Even feeling exhausted physically, “empty” emotionally, moot/mute on a higher-consciousness level, kiddo and I were able to have a really delightful day. And how? We were in the moment. We just focused on enjoying each other. We allowed our plan to flow and change as it delighted us throughout the day, and we didn’t take the hard knocks too tough. Our favorite restaurant closed for the day? No biggie – we found somewhere else to eat. Preferred nail salon closed on Sundays? No worries, we’ll go to the thrift store to shop for pretty things instead. Walk here/browse there/delay at this stop? We handled each of those as co-creative decisions, because this time, this day, was about us.


It could be argued that my daughter and I Tantrically created a container for mutual delight, and we surrendered to each other’s leading and following as it felt authentic.


It was good for me. I know it was good for her, too, because hello focused parent-child time.


But what I got in addition to an awesome day with kiddo? I reconnected with myself. Once I realized that my time wasn’t obligated to any one particular thing, old Jen started to emerge. Healthy Jen. Even in my mentally exhausted, moot/mute higher-consciousness, emotionally “empty” space, I found my Zen. Everything wasn’t perfect or even remotely close, but it was okay. Because we had right now. And the sun was shining, and I had this breath in my lungs. I didn’t have all the answers and I didn’t care, because it was just good to be. Nothing could break our stride, mellow though it was, because we had chosen to be with each other. Suffused with just a droplet of two of that healthy authentic juicy Jen, my optimism and genuine Happy got a-rollin’ again.


So even though my family of origin is kind of a shit-show right now. And personal relations are strained in every direction. And I really don’t know when it will lighten up or begin to dissipate, because we’re all on a journey of becoming…


It’s going to be okay.


I’m still here. Healthy Jen is still in there, and she still emerges, even when the chips are down. There’s a reason I put all that effort into becoming balanced before everything fell apart. I remember. Healthy Jen remembers. If she’s still there, I can bring myself back to that feel. My Zen. My center.


About Magdalena Knight

IT/Telecom Rock Star turned Poly-Tantric Sex Healer, Educator, and Sexual Freedom Activist and Writer View all posts by Magdalena Knight

One response to “I’m still here.

  • Petunia

    thank you so much for sharing this. sometimes knowing that there are others out there going through the same struggles helps. I was raised that “normal” people don’t have the same issues I’m struggling with. leaving me feeling wrong, bad, damaged, not worthy, so many things. I am trying to learn to live more in the moment, and enjoy each day for what it is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: