Monthly Archives: July 2015

I am agog, I am aghast

I sit here aside my very self.  I attempted to compose on my phone, but html was a devil, so to the keys I go.

Lilith is mighty and powerful, and like a mother, is keeping watch even when the faithless child “wanders astray”.

I have been on a very long journey.  Since bleeding for Her in Summer 2012, I have revamped and revolved and resolved and rejoined and re-combobulated seemingly every.damned.thing.about.my.life, and while rivulets of blood seemed a slight sacrifice to offer to be truly Hers, the path of my mundane life has been turbulent of a surety.

The snake and serpent dreams have been with me as long as I can recall, and that fateful summer, after a scene which was more ceremony, I received a talisman.  The silhouette of a snake’s head, carved of soft blood-red stone.

That same summer, a mentor and sister and confidante and ally made me a wand.  In the gift exchange at Yule, a drawstring crochet bag containing many smaller pouches.  A poison ring to carry “things” in.  That first porcelain statue, gift from girlfriend, in the shape of the Goddess, to match the tattoo on my left (heart) inner arm.  A plain-appearing stone from an elder Canadian Indigenous man, to help when I have a hard time in sweatlodge. Palm-sized Quan Yin; mobius coil; pendants and stones and herbs and oils, oh my. So many items I consider sacred and tote with me from Circle to Puja to Event to Seminar to Gathering to Retreat.

Memorial Day weekend, I ventured a second time to Shamanic Shadow Integration retreat in Boulder.  In January, I shed symbolic skin at the threshold of the circle to earn the healing resulting from truly engaging in the work. I sacrificed the opportunity to present at a prominent event in DC, on an issue of passionate interest, both professionally and personally.  I said, “this topic will still be relevant in 2016”, and I used the application prep time as Shadow Work prep time. First night of circle, our guide and shaman indicated we’d each have to make a cognizant sacrifice, and declare it before the group.  I released my expectation of being an official presenter this year, and spoke that aloud, before my ancestors and human witnesses and deities.

Last night was the first in awhile that I took part in helping folks connect with their breath, their sex, their energy, and the space around them, in way too long.  I know I spoke the word Kundalini once, at least.

Not ten minutes before writing, I received a message from an unknown number.  “Found a snake skin today.  Thought of you”

Mystery writer is one and the same gifter of the wand. As the tidal wave undulating outward from those rivulets of blood three summers ago began to tear apart my shores, she was a girder, a port in the churning seas, a Thing I could Hold to know I wasn’t flying apart, at least not yet.

She agreed to send me the snake skin.

The shaman in Boulder echoed a thing which has been spoken time and again.  “When you are ready to do your Healing Work, your teacher will tell you your Bundle Is Complete.”  She said I was very nearly ready.

The drying salt streams on my face reveal my Truth.  Lilith is welcoming me back from the Shadowlands and Dreamtime and Abyss of turbulence, and to the land of the living and the human.

The Mysteries are purchased in blood and tears.  In my Tantric practice and in Sapphic Leather Circle time, I’m fond of saying that “all the good things are moist”.

I may not be finished. Not finished growing or becoming or healing or discovering.

I am ready to return.   So very ready.  So humbled by the lessons and so eager to be of service to my fellowkind.  So done curling and squelching and orbiting my pain.

I will fiercely practice compassion and connection, and guard my solitude and reflection like a jewel.
I say aho, chii miigwetch, deepest bow, and most earnest love, my Lilith.

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